Trusting OurselvesPosted: December 10, 2011
Rebuilding trust within myself! This is exactly what I had been quietly working towards for the past few months.
What Do I Mean By Trust?
For me personally my eating disorder developed as a mechanism to cope with stress and just life in general. I’ve never considered myself fat or overweight, I always led an active lifestyle and ate pretty much anything and everything without a worry. So it’s still a shock for me to see how easily I fell victim to an eating disorder. With it came the constant need to over exercise and counting calories. My biggest fear was trusting myself around food. I live in constant fear that I won’t have self control around certain foods. For example eating 1 cookie might turn into eating a whole packet. So I would avoid certain food groups. Most of you would know this as ‘Food Fears’. I’ve had many for so long even now that I can’t bring myself to face just yet or I will eat in small quantities.
Last night at my friends party I was set on just sticking to the dishes that she had specifically ordered for me. But instead I decided to have a little of everything. I systematically added challenge foods to my plate. Entree I had what everyone else had a Spring roll and a Noodle Salad. For the Main meal there was a Pork dish, Beef dish, Asian greens and Seafood dish…I had a little of everything with Steamed Rice. Dessert was a slice of Caramel Mud Cake with a scoop of Vanilla ice-cream. It’s funny how prior to my eating disorder I could just enjoy food without being overwhelmed by irrational thoughts that fill my head when I’m indulging in a challenge food. In reality it’s not indulging….it’s called eating normally! I’ve given food way too much power in my life and letting go can be scary but as I go on I realize that there is no such thing as perfect eating/clean eating. We just have to be more flexible and eat a variety of foods, all the rest will fall into place. The guilt and anxiety will fade, eating with others is the perfect way to overcome a lot of this. Balance is the goal to recovery!
I enjoyed myself last night and had fun 🙂
I know we’ve all heard it before but recovery means getting out there and living life. Our thoughts shouldn’t revolve around food or meal times. But when you actually act on this you will feel so much better and a weight will be lifted off your shoulders.
Moving onwards to this morning. I was able to get out of bed and go to my Club 10k Training run since I didn’t drink too much last night. I stuck to a 4min per k for the whole run which was a nice comfortable/conversational pace for me. I did feel a little more pain than usual afterward’ s in both heels! That sucked, so I iced it immediately once I got home. I’m thinking next weeks training will be more cross training…oh well. Lol I’m not sure which is worse recovering from a running injury or ED!? They both give me a headache!
I did make my fave bowl of oats for breakfast post run.
I also had quite a few snacks this afternoon. I don’t normally eat this much in one afternoon but I was hungrier than usual. So I just went with it and ate what I craved. In addition to several handfuls of Raw Mixed Nuts I also had:
I haven’t decided yet what I want for dinner. But The Lion King is on the Disney Channel tonight so dinner will be eaten in front of the TV tonight 🙂
Well I can’t believe Saturday is over already! Tomorrow I plan on starting my Christmas shopping once and for all. Hopefully I can get everything in one day.
Hope You All Have A Wonderful Weekend